It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
