Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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