i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
