I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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