i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
