sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
