Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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