hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
