Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
