Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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