Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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