Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
