Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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