There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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