her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
