Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
