allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
