ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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