are you so shy because you have an std?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
