One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
