I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
