I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
