Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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