I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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