There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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