Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
