Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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