This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
