Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
