I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
