i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
