Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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