If i come over, it means nothing
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
