I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
