P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
