This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
