I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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