I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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