What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
