I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
