four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
