she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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