Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
