Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
