too bad you live with your parents still
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
