we made out on top of his cat.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
