So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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