??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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