im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
