Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
