there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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