YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
