Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
