It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She's the barista slut.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
