I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
