I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
