i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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