Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
