That's when you crack a 10am beer
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Why is your signature on my underwear?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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