is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
